All of my (23M) immediate family members turned out to be narcissists, with two of the three being violent. I can’t believe I didn’t recognize sooner that they were ALL like this and were irredeemable – no amount of patience or playing “armchair therapist” would help. I am just trying to make it off the ground, but I feel completely unsupported, anxious, and alone. I have lived under the constant threat of violence from a young age and the stress has poisoned me with chronic illness and moderate disability. It has taken me this long to see past the gaslighting, the cynical appeals to my empathy, and the charitable image I had of them that turned out to just be projection. I feel so dumb for not seeing it earlier.
It feels like I was meant to die young, like the very circumstances of my birth were inherently fatal. A covert narcissist married a violent criminal. The offspring were an even more violent criminal and a scapegoat. I am suddenly expected to succeed in an environment with zero (more like negative!) emotional support, where any attempt to assert an independent identity is violently suppressed, and where one misstep could trigger my brother’s killer instinct or make me the next subject of his sadistic fantasies.
I have savings, but I don’t know where to run to. It seems like both of my parents’ family trees are filled with trauma. I’m thinking of going to an in-person college, but I might not be able to afford living there year-round. My employment prospects are quite limited due to my conditions. I live in the U.S. in one of the worst times in recent history to be disabled. I am looking to live in an affordable city with good public transit.
Before I became disabled at my previous job, coworkers thought I was sweet, funny, caring, and gentle. But regardless of my surface potential for making friends, I am programmed to fear everyone in case they are hiding narcissism, sadism, or psychopathy beneath the surface.
Obviously I know that nobody can predict what my specific fate will be, but I’d like to hear about stories of people from similar backgrounds who have actually survived and found happiness and avoided what felt like certain doom. I want to have hope that things will be okay, and maybe get some ideas on how I’ll pull off this insane project.
I made it as far as “making a decent living, not a huge asshole”.
Obviously, it would be nice to have more/be more, but I count just
meetingkeeping this up as a win.My wife survived. She went away to college as far away as she could (where we met). Currently we are estranged from all of her family except her oldest brother, who is also estranged from the others (though he himself is in contact, but very low contact and grey rocking). She gave them a lot longer to try to change post college than they deserved, but they won’t, and you can’t make them. We tried having a relationship with her aunt, but she ended up being a flying monkey, nothing egregious against up, but something super egregious against the oldest brothers family.
I’m really proud of my wife and her oldest brother, they’re cycle breakers. Therapy is immensely helpful for processing trauma and for developing skills to handle it and the time after. It bears to keep in mind that the skills that help you survive , aren’t the same that help you thrive. When you escape the situation you will need to shed some of those defenses to allow yourself to grow. Closing yourself off will help you navigate life under a narcissist’s roof, but will make it more difficult to build relationships with others.
Trying to build up a support system outside of the narcissists would be helpful if you can. My wife did the work herself, but was aided by having me as a solid support for her to work off of (and me with her for my own mental health struggles (adhd))
I’d also say it was a long road, through our 20s we stayed in contact with them, and that was fairly rough. They’d just keep up the same behaviors and try to pull us back in. We finally cut them off in our early 30s, and the growth and healing has really accelerated since then. We are much happier now, and not having to waste energy on them allows us to devote energy to other issues/things. My wife’s career has taken off since, she’s gotten a cpap (if you have sleep apnea you NEED one of these), and my wife went from not wanting children because of the trauma of childhood, to us now having two amazing daughters
On the college side look into any grants or scholarships you can get for academic success or disability. My wife got virtually no assistance from her family (hell they told her they’d get her books and then after graduating said oh by the way here’s your debt from that)
Sorry if this was pretty disjointed, adhd and I was semi watching a toddler. Also look into getting an America the beautiful pass for disability. It is for life, is free (shipping cost if you order online or in mail), and gives access to all national parks, forests, and blm land. No paperwork was needed when I got mine, just read a statement and sign that it applies to you
You can do this!
Wow, your wife and her brother rock! Congratulations!
I really benefit from a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
That might be the kind of circumstances that should give you grounds to leave forever. How about leaving to a welfare state where your family will never find you? Move to Germany, being disabled is not a crime here and education here is excellent, so is healthcare.
Move to Germany, being disabled is not a crime here and education here is excellent, so is healthcare.
You know it’s not easy to just migrate to another country, right? Especially if you’re not rich.
Immigration rules are very strict. I doubt she could even get into Canada, much less Europe. Not to mention having to learn a whole new language.
Of course all this assuming she’s in the US, which could be a totally wrong assumption. If she’s already in Europe, then you have a point.
Running is cheap. If you don’t have dependents and are willing to work. They said they have some money saved up. Just buy a greyhound ticket or equivalent and leave your phone behind and a letter not to come looking, ever. Make your way until you can afford to travel in the direction you want to go. Its the life waiting for anyone the second they decide to step out the door. Its neither easy nor comfortable, but its free.
It’s free
There aren’t living expenses? Travel? Etc?
Free as in freedom. Which is the thing OP needs most right now.
That’s a wildly irresponsible and naive declaration. Be mindful.
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If you search for motivational speakers most of them have fucked up childhoods that they’ve overcome. I’m a drug and alcohol counselor and every conference they bring in new people to give us counselors hope that we are making a difference because all we ever hear are the relapses and deaths. I’ve heard from sex traffic survivors, accident survivors who were hooked on pills, and believe it or not people who were raised in the best households imaginable but rebelled and ended up in the streets addicted or incarcerated. There’s always hope but you need to move forward and GTFO of that life. Here’s one example of the speakers https://www.yourlifespeaks.org/
Also check out colleges that will be supportive of your disability and look for scholarships to help. I got $15,000 a year from writing online essays to scholarship programs. If you don’t ask you don’t get so congrats on the first step of asking us for help. https://themighty.com/topic/disability/college-university-disability-inclusion-programs/
Many colleges can be a great environment for learning and meeting people. College very commonly expands people’s horizons and leads to life long friends. And even if some students came from bad homes or are bad people, college gives them a chance to re-invent themselves.
Of course you don’t want to go to a party school and you need to be there to study primarily. But joining clubs and activities should open your world up considerably.
Remember you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends.
just focus on school. once you get to college it will be a lot better.
If you get disability and/or some sort of decent insurance, look into psychoanalysis/Gestalt therapy.
a lot of people have already said some really great things. I want to add a warning about getting into the habit of blaming your parents for everything.
in my early adult life, I had a lot of resentment about the ways my parents bullied and failed to protect me. I could see the way their behaviors and my lack of childhood really made my adult life much harder. however!
over the course of some time I started to fully realize and accept that I controlled my own destiny now, and what I decided to do as an adult had nothing to do with them anymore. no more pushing people away and then blaming my upbringing. I was finally free to change and find my people. and I did!
it wasn’t easy. Changing your mindset takes practice. Learning to make friends and stop repeating negative thoughts is more like working out a muscle to get stronger than flipping a switch. But it felt sooooo good to start taking control of my own life, make my own friends and holiday traditions, etc!
