All of my (23M) immediate family members turned out to be narcissists, with two of the three being violent. I can’t believe I didn’t recognize sooner that they were ALL like this and were irredeemable – no amount of patience or playing “armchair therapist” would help. I am just trying to make it off the ground, but I feel completely unsupported, anxious, and alone. I have lived under the constant threat of violence from a young age and the stress has poisoned me with chronic illness and moderate disability. It has taken me this long to see past the gaslighting, the cynical appeals to my empathy, and the charitable image I had of them that turned out to just be projection. I feel so dumb for not seeing it earlier.
It feels like I was meant to die young, like the very circumstances of my birth were inherently fatal. A covert narcissist married a violent criminal. The offspring were an even more violent criminal and a scapegoat. I am suddenly expected to succeed in an environment with zero (more like negative!) emotional support, where any attempt to assert an independent identity is violently suppressed, and where one misstep could trigger my brother’s killer instinct or make me the next subject of his sadistic fantasies.
I have savings, but I don’t know where to run to. It seems like both of my parents’ family trees are filled with trauma. I’m thinking of going to an in-person college, but I might not be able to afford living there year-round. My employment prospects are quite limited due to my conditions. I live in the U.S. in one of the worst times in recent history to be disabled. I am looking to live in an affordable city with good public transit.
Before I became disabled at my previous job, coworkers thought I was sweet, funny, caring, and gentle. But regardless of my surface potential for making friends, I am programmed to fear everyone in case they are hiding narcissism, sadism, or psychopathy beneath the surface.
Obviously I know that nobody can predict what my specific fate will be, but I’d like to hear about stories of people from similar backgrounds who have actually survived and found happiness and avoided what felt like certain doom. I want to have hope that things will be okay, and maybe get some ideas on how I’ll pull off this insane project.
I was a little bit younger than you are when I went no-contact with my family. I have also been disabled since I was 19, and later in life was diagnosed with ADHD and a Cluster C personality disorder (I’m goddam terrified of everything). I very much relate to that feeling of “I should be/wish I was dead by now”.
It’s hard, I won’t lie to you. There have been times I wished I had a family to rely on, but once the wishful thinking wears off, I realize they’d just make whatever I was going through so much harder. Also, my mother has narcissistic tendencies, and my moments of happiness and accomplishment are mine now. That one change was huge for my self-esteem and confidence. Eventually you’ll become your own person and not intrinsically linking everything you do and are to your parents.
I’m in my late 30s now, and I’m going to graduate with a BS very soon. There’s a lot more help for college students in the US than I think many people are aware. You’re disabled so you qualify for TRIO support. I have worked for TRIO in two capacities, and one of the things we do is help people find and apply for scholarships. You also have the option of doing a work-study (at my uni you can be paid $3500/semester). I currently work for upward bound, the TRIO program for high schoolers, and one of the things I do with them is help them find colleges that fit them. I’m more than happy to help you figure out what is a good fit for you and start working on scholarships! I’ve also moved around a lot, so I might be able to point you towards cities that you’d like.
Something very cool is that some US universities have sister universities abroad, so you can take part in an exchange program. My university has a sister uni in Ireland. There are also work study programs abroad in almost every continent (you could spend a paid-for summer in Thailand, for example).
Right now I’m looking to get my doctorate in Europe. It is possible to be disabled and achieve academic success! I had a hard time learning that I can trust people for support, but you’re already far ahead of where I was at your age. You’ve got this!