All of my (23M) immediate family members turned out to be narcissists, with two of the three being violent. I can’t believe I didn’t recognize sooner that they were ALL like this and were irredeemable – no amount of patience or playing “armchair therapist” would help. I am just trying to make it off the ground, but I feel completely unsupported, anxious, and alone. I have lived under the constant threat of violence from a young age and the stress has poisoned me with chronic illness and moderate disability. It has taken me this long to see past the gaslighting, the cynical appeals to my empathy, and the charitable image I had of them that turned out to just be projection. I feel so dumb for not seeing it earlier.
It feels like I was meant to die young, like the very circumstances of my birth were inherently fatal. A covert narcissist married a violent criminal. The offspring were an even more violent criminal and a scapegoat. I am suddenly expected to succeed in an environment with zero (more like negative!) emotional support, where any attempt to assert an independent identity is violently suppressed, and where one misstep could trigger my brother’s killer instinct or make me the next subject of his sadistic fantasies.
I have savings, but I don’t know where to run to. It seems like both of my parents’ family trees are filled with trauma. I’m thinking of going to an in-person college, but I might not be able to afford living there year-round. My employment prospects are quite limited due to my conditions. I live in the U.S. in one of the worst times in recent history to be disabled. I am looking to live in an affordable city with good public transit.
Before I became disabled at my previous job, coworkers thought I was sweet, funny, caring, and gentle. But regardless of my surface potential for making friends, I am programmed to fear everyone in case they are hiding narcissism, sadism, or psychopathy beneath the surface.
Obviously I know that nobody can predict what my specific fate will be, but I’d like to hear about stories of people from similar backgrounds who have actually survived and found happiness and avoided what felt like certain doom. I want to have hope that things will be okay, and maybe get some ideas on how I’ll pull off this insane project.
a lot of people have already said some really great things. I want to add a warning about getting into the habit of blaming your parents for everything.
in my early adult life, I had a lot of resentment about the ways my parents bullied and failed to protect me. I could see the way their behaviors and my lack of childhood really made my adult life much harder. however!
over the course of some time I started to fully realize and accept that I controlled my own destiny now, and what I decided to do as an adult had nothing to do with them anymore. no more pushing people away and then blaming my upbringing. I was finally free to change and find my people. and I did!
it wasn’t easy. Changing your mindset takes practice. Learning to make friends and stop repeating negative thoughts is more like working out a muscle to get stronger than flipping a switch. But it felt sooooo good to start taking control of my own life, make my own friends and holiday traditions, etc!