I grew up in a rough household. We had holes punched into the walls, doors torn off the frames, my siblings and I saw regular abuse, and as a kid I constantly felt like I had to do things to keep the family held together.

I felt like I was treated by my parents as a servant. They constantly threw away anything I remotely liked, and continued stacking chores on me, especially those that weren’t my own mess. They gave me the boot shortly before graduation, and long story short, I finally got a place for myself after years of effort.

I just can’t shake this feeling though that things are painfully unfair. Like you escape hell after all these years, and the first thing expected from you is to find a job. I get it, you need to work to make money and pay the rent and bills but… why me? Why after all this time of putting up with the crap you have instead of being a kid are you just expected to step in line like everyone else when you never got that opportunity to find who you are and simply enjoy life for what it is.

I don’t know, is this lazy? It’s not that I don’t want to work, but why can’t I be a kid? Why can’t I have some time to reclaim what all was taken from me and have some time to enjoy myself rather than grasp at random short memories I had before I was 5? Everyone else got it, why not me?

I don’t know, am I just rambling about nothing?

  • cheers_queers@lemm.eeEnglish
    6·
    3 days ago

    i come from a similar place, and while I’ve been on my own for 10 years now, the crushing grief of my lost childhood has only intensified. now, the whole country i live in is trying to force me back into the same life i struggled SO HARD to escape

    I’m also severely depressed and have a painful disability that i have to work through at a manual labor job. all i want, all i need, is rest. but i will probably die working, and so i grieve for my past as well as my future.

    sometimes it feels like i will never truly live, and that’s incredibly painful to deal with. dont listen to people telling you to stop being bitter, i know it isnt like that at all.

    try to find an understanding community, as well as a trauma-informed (very important) therapist. you may never get rid of the trauma, but hopefully find ways to cope.