There are two types of people in the world

There are people who want to socialize with their coworkers, bond with them, have friendships with them, etc.

And there are people who just work here, man. They show up everyday, spend 8 hours doing their job, collect their paycheck every 2 weeks, and don’t want to spend a moment more than they need to at work and or think about their job or coworkers on their days off.

Field trips, team building days, etc. are great for the first type of person, they’re torture for the second.

I’m the second type of person. I don’t, overall, dislike my coworkers. I’ll joke around with them, I think they’re mostly all nice and decent people, maybe even above average. But at its core, the nature of my relationship with them is that I get paid to work with them, and that is plenty enough reason to be friendly (though not necessarily friends with) them. I don’t need to go get a beer with them after work, or go bowling or whatever with them to build a bond with them. My bond with them is that if I do my job and they do their job, we both get paid and can go do whatever the hell we want to do off the clock, either with each other if they’re one of the rare people who manage to make the jump from being a work friend to being a regular friend, or separately if all we really have in common is that we work together. I have plenty of friends and hobbies and such that I don’t need to seek them out at work, and I prefer it that way, my professional life and private life don’t really need to touch.

I don’t want birthday cards from my coworkers, I don’t want to contribute anything to the office Christmas party (I work for my county government, I really don’t think we should even have an office Christmas party) and when they’re taking up a collection for a coworker who is sick or about to have a baby or whatever, my only thought is “how 'bout they just pay us enough that we don’t have to do this?”

So if it’s decided that I don’t need to work for a day, I’d rather just be home. Or have the option to go in and work to get caught up/get ahead on my work in exchange for overtime while all the type-A, middle management, people-people, chatty Kathy, office gossip, busybody types are out of the office doing whatever.

I certainly don’t want to come in on my day off to deal with any of that. Those days off are the reason I work, so that I can enjoy the rest of my time.

Two particular examples I recall that ground my gears.

I used to work in a warehouse. The company used to do two Christmas parties, one for the office staff, one for the warehouse employees. Usually the office staff would get treated to dinner at a restaurant after work. For us warehouse people, they would usually get us a catered lunch. Never anything particularly special, but at least I didn’t have to pack a lunch that day. One year they decided that they’d take us warehouse plebs out to a nice steakhouse for dinner. I declined. I was busting my ass all day in a warehouse, I’d be gross and sweaty and want to go home to shower and change after work. I had time to do that, we got off at 5, and the dinner wasn’t until I think 7, but after dealing with almost an hour of rush hour traffic, and being tired from working all day, I really didn’t want to get dressed again and go back out. And to top it off, I was one of only like 3 people in the warehouse who spoke decent English, and the other two were 2 or 3 times my age, and one was my boss. The rest mostly spoke Spanish, and they were nice enough, but I couldn’t really have enough of a conversation with them to even determine if we even had anything in common to talk about, much less actually talk to them about it. About all we could manage is “hey, can you go grab this box for me?” or showing each other funny videos and laughing.

To me that sounded like I was going to spend a couple hours sitting mostly in silence with people chatting in Spanish around me.

And of course, they were paying for food, but not for drinks. If I’m going to a nice steakhouse, I’m going to want at least a beer, glass of wine, or cocktail with my dinner, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay anything out of pocket to attend a work function.

I also really don’t get the appeal of a steakhouse, don’t get me wrong, I like steak, but I can make a steak with some sides as good or better as any steakhouse at home for half the cost. Steak isn’t complicated.

My boss was surprised I didn’t want to go. I’m surprised that anyone wanted to go. I’d rather they have me a few bucks to order some pizzas, grab a six pack, and stay home with my wife (who was invited to this as well, I asked her if she wanted to go, she felt the same way) watching Netflix.

The next one is more recent. My current job has been on a big mental health thing lately. We have to do a mandatory training thing a couple times a year, usually it’s pretty bullshit, but at least there’s a thing veneer of “,you need to do this to keep your required certifications, even if none of it actually applies to what we do”

But this last time they decided to do a “wellness retreat”

Which consisted of us mostly sitting in an auditorium listening to about 4 different speakers talking about mental health, suicide prevention, fitness and healthy eating, etc. and a guided meditation thing, doing a middle school science class egg drop experiment as a team building exercise, and a Cornhole tournament. We had to provide our own lunches, and they had therapy dogs visit us, not really giving any presentation or anything just kind of there and we could pet them during our lunch break.

Half of the presentations felt like I was watching an ad for these people’s businesses, and the other half were just boring rehashes of things we’ve all heard a thousand times before interspersed with some sad stories.

I had to give up my day off for that. I wanted to flip a fucking table when they had the nerve to mention work-life ballance. And half of us are night shifters, and they never schedule any of these things overnight, so it was downright insulting when they talked about how important it is to get enough sleep.

And I don’t even want to play Cornhole when I’m drunk with my friends I actually want to be around, I really don’t want to play it with a bunch of coworkers totally sober.

I got overtime pay for it, but I gladly would have paid that much out of my own pocket to skip it.

If you want to surprise your employees, let them leave early (with pay) on a Friday, hand out gift cards for takeout or a movie or something, buy them pizza, or better yet, just give them all a raise or a bonus. If they want to go hang out together and bond, they can go do that with their extra money after they leave work early on a Friday, maybe invite them to join you for whatever you’re doing. If they don’t, they can go enjoy life on their own terms.